The key to finishing strong in a multi-hour race is nutrition, and packing in 60-90g of carbs an hour will make Suikerbossie a breeze. How much is that? Roughly a banana and an energy bar or gel each hour, every hour, as well as some form of electrolyte replacement and energy drink in your bottle.

   And it starts before the race does – get in at least 500ml of Powerade or something similar while you wait to start, as well as an energy bar to supplement the big breakfast you had a few hours earlier.

Never try anything new on race day, be it nutrition or shoes or shorts or the fancy supplement that smooth-talking guy was selling at the expo. If 90g of carbs is going to turn your tummy into a washing machine, rather find that out during training.

No, not like in ‘train more’ (although that does help an awful lot!). Go to a bike shop, and get set up on your bicycle for the sort of riding you do. Choosing the right saddle height, handlebar reach and height – even the position of your feet on the pedals – will transform your riding.

Your life will be so much happier with some lubrication between your legs on Cycle Tour Sunday. This is one thing you can pick up at the expo – there may even be sample packs from the likes of Squirt that are just big enough to last the day.

   Bum creams are gooey and yuck, and not too pleasant to put on first thing in the morning; but any form of anti-friction down there will make the second half of the race much more bearable.

Make sure your tyres are in good nick (if you only ride your bike once a year, they may have perished in your garage!), and pumped to the correct pressure. A decade ago we raced 23mm tyres at 100psi-plus; the trend now is wider tyres at lower pressure, for better road feel and comfort with no loss in performance. Today, even the pros are riding 28s at 80psi.

   Don’t go too soft, or you run the risk of pinch flats. But avoid over-inflation too, as it will make your ride uncomfortable – and sometimes uncontrollable.

First, you simply must wear proper, padded cycling shorts – even for the 42km. They will literally save your butt on the day, and some of the newer ones even have cargo pouches for carrying extra food.

   Second: Cycling shorts are designed to be worn without underwear. Nobody tells newcomers this, but the seams, ridges and bunched-up bits your underrods will make are just screaming to blister you by the finish – in an area you don’t want even your doctor to go near.

Use descents to recover and eat and drink – not to make up for lost time. You’re better off using a bit more energy to stay in a good bunch, and then recover with them, than losing your bunch because you’re saving a few matches on a climb and then trying (almost always in vain!) to get back to them. If you do get dropped, it’s almost inevitably best to wait for the group behind, and let other people do the chasing.

It’s tempting to get caught up in all the CTCT hype, but try to avoid as much of it as possible. Finish the expo as fast as you can – the more time you spend standing and walking, the less vooma in your legs on Sunday. The pro’s live by the mantra of not running if you can walk, not walking if you can sit, and not sitting if you can lie down. And they’re pretty fast, so…!

A sub-four on your own is impossible without sensible bunch tactics. Sub-five is totally doable on your own, but what for? Polish your bunch skills, whatever your goals.

For most, the Cycle Tour is a four-hour-plus ride; it’s simply too long for you to survive on just gels. Carry some real food, like raisins, nuts and biltong – a baked potato, even – to keep your taste buds and your tummy happy. All that sugar can wreak havoc.

Sure, someone has to lead the bunch in the first half of the race. But that someone isn’t you! Presume that at least half of your group hasn’t read this article, and stay hidden in the bunch until well after halfway. You’ll have all the energy you need to be the strong guy on the second half.

So – there are two actual winners on the day: the first man across the line, and the first woman. Sprinting for 13 856th position makes you look just a little silly, and is dangerous to you and everyone else. Don’t be that guy…

The first piece of advice is that if you’re in a bunch, there’s no need – ever – to look behind you. If you’re on your own, to look behind you without wobbling, try hooking the hand you’re turning away from into your pocket. This will prevent your torso from turning too much, and keep you riding straight.

The first part of drinking like a pro is you shouldn’t need to look down at your bottle – practise finding it without looking in training until it’s easy, and you’re keeping your eyes on the road.

   Then: take it out with your non-dominant hand, grabbing it in such a way that you won’t have to change your hand’s position on the bottle throughout the process; tilt the bottle into the side of your mouth and at an angle, so your eyes stay where they are and your vision isn’t obscured; squeeze to drink; and bump the nozzle closed against your chest or leg before returning it blind – again, as you’ve practised.

There are two ways to keep the roads clean on the most beautiful bike race. One is to create a system where all your food is in one pocket, leaving another empty at the start so you can fill it with wrappers as you eat. Or, tuck the empties under your elasticated cycling shirt. Both will make for a messy undress later, but that’s far better than littering.

You don’t really need money on the Cycle Tour – there are aid stations aplenty. But there are also a lot of opportunities to stop for a bevvy or an ice cream, so carry a bit of cash in your tube bag. It also comes in useful if you cut a tyre – you can use it to make a cover for the hole that will stop the tube bulging out and could get you to the finish.

ad your bottles longer than a year? Take a look inside. You’ll be horrified at what grows in there, even if you’re a regular washer. The goo in your bottle will get warm in your hours on the bike and become a science experiment in no time. Treat yourself and your bike to a new pair.

We’ve been freezing our bottles overnight since forever, but it’s not as simple as it sounds. If you’re freezing one bottle, only fill it halfway and then top it up in the morning, or you’ll have nothing to drink for the first part of your ride. The second one can be full.

   If you’re using some sort of energy drink or electrolyte replacement, your second bottle should be that one, or you’ll end up with a weird combination of half-mixed water to start, and then as it all melts, super-concentrated gut-rot material to finish – the last thing you need in the heat.

Pack a few in your saddle bag; they make fixing punctures and re-fitting shipped chains a lot less messy.

Tubes don’t last forever – either in your tyres or (most commonly) in your saddlebag, where they perish and rub and are often useless by the time you need them. Check them all; if the spares are older than about a year, replacing them isn’t a big investment for a successful finish.

Noisy disc brakes can be scary, and inefficient. There’s a simple cure for most squealing problems: unscrew the two bolts attaching the caliper to the frame, wiggle the caliper, then retighten while clamping the brake lever tight. This will centre the system, and stop all manner of noises.

Always lube your chain the night before you ride, so it can drip through to each roller and pin. A morning lube will just be flung off and wasted.

The best question to ask yourself – for the Cycle Tour, or any other bike event – is: if you aren’t having fun, what’s the point? Smile, laugh, enjoy every minute – and we’ll see you at the finish.